My Big Shoe Bag

Hi there, it’s Olivia

You might need to grab two mimosas for today’s Sunday Sips, because my thoughts are going deep this morning. I was pondering on the meaning of the word escape. And how it relates to my life. I mentioned that I have a gypsy nature and don’t like to stay in one place too long. But am I moving from one place to the next to get away from something or move toward something? Or both?

I remember when I was a young girl, maybe 11 or 12 and going through the lovely hormonal shifts of puberty. As is the case with many adolescent teen girls, I had a tenuous relationship with my mother. Overnight she had become the enemy, representing all that I was rebelling against. Control, structure, a linear path…. I was having none of it. So, I decided to pack up an overnight bag that was shaped like a huge Converse sneaker and leave it at our back door. Just in case I had to make a quick exit.

The day was no different than any other. I came down the stairs to find my mom cooking. She announced her plans for me for the day. I explained that would not be able to participate because I had plans of my own with my friend Janet. “Oh really” she said. “Well, I am sure that you were not thinking of going out of the house in that old thing” insert southern accent. That did it! “Yes, I am going out in this old thing and I AM NEVER COMING BACK!! “Dramatic storm out with my huge sneaker bag.

Needless to say, I didn’t get very far. And I would not have survived very long on my stash of Nerds, Fun Dip, Wet & Wild lipstick, fuzzy socks and a beach towel.

Fast forward twenty years later. My ex-husband and I had just bought our first home. I was filled with hope and plans for our future. Imagining paint colors and wall hangings. Envisioning the cozy couch in the living room and wondering what to do with the extra room. Maybe a nursery? That bubble was soon burst. The red flags were all there, but like many of us when we are young and naïve, we push those thoughts away. Or think “this is marriage, 'till death do us part, right?”. First came the holes punched into walls, then things thrown at me and finally the threat to drive us both off a bridge. I had kept it all to myself for so long. I was walking on eggshells every day. I finally worked up the nerve to call my sister and let her know that my world was crumbling. After the initial shock and lots of listening, she said to me “Olivia, grab your big shoe bag and get the hell out of there! “

So here I am. Moving away from something bad and moving into the unknown. Which is scary in a different way. But also exhilarating! After all the stress involved with making the decision to leave and all that goes along with parting ways, there is a strange euphoria that sets in. All that adrenaline reserved to help me survive is now helping me thrive. I am so grateful for everyone that helped me get here. But most of all, for that girl that had the strength to grab her big shoe bag and get the hell out of there.

Until next week,

Love,

Olivia