The Gaslighters

I met up with an old friend today. As she walked towards me, her pure beauty inside and out still shone through. The long blonde hair, twinkly blue eyes, the button nose. She is the definition of the perfect “California girl”, though not from there. Yet, her smile hid something behind it. Was it Maturity? Battle scars? Wisdom? Or Resignation? She was young and full of optimism and enthusiasm when I first met her at Mosaic. A bubbly newlywed, at least I thought so.

As we sat and drank our iced cold brews, we talked about lives, past, present, and future. I filled her in on Hot Josh. How I pinch myself, doubting that things can be so good and always waiting for the other shoe to drop. She looked at me with those sparkly eyes and said, “I feel the same. Not trusting reality or expecting an alternate result. Constantly finding ways to reset my brain from not trusting. Not trusting what I see right in front of me, because I was told so many times that it was not real. I was married to a master gaslighter” There it was. The wisdom beyond her years. The pain. And the growth.

What is gaslighting? “Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion. Gaslighters seek to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.”- www.newportinstitute.com

We had both been through it with our ex-husbands. The lying about doing or saying something, even if there was clear evidence of the behavior. When she caught her husband cheating by seeing a pop-up of texts on their shared computer, he accused her of imagining things while at the same time yelling at her for spying on him. Each of us experienced dramatic and frightening threats from them to kill themselves (and us) when we finally found the strength to leave.

Why did we put up with it for so long? We are both beautiful, strong, and smart women. Highly educated and financially independent. In some ways, that made us an even greater target. A higher conquest to knock down. But gaslighting doesn’t happen overnight. It creeps up slowly. It can start with an “Are you going to wear that? You are inviting unwanted attention“ and “You shouldn’t hang out with those people. They talk about you behind your back." When our husbands were the ones gossiping about us. Knocking us down to friends, family, and even coworkers. Portraying us as dingy blondes, when in my case, I was the one supporting us financially.

I shared a time when I took some friends to a restaurant where my husband worked, and he said “What are you doing here? Why are you wearing that? You should go home?” In front of the entire bar and its patrons. They looked at me and asked, “Is that really your husband?” I found myself embarrassed and ashamed. And making excuses for his behavior: “He is stressed.” “It was busy.” He was my husband! He should have been proud to meet my friends and introduce me to his regulars. And should have complimented me on how beautiful I looked.

Looking back both of us realized that we spent our marriages walking on eggshells. Waiting for the hidden mines to blow up in our faces. That was the goal, right? To keep us exhausted, constantly confused, and questioning our own judgment, so that we didn’t have the time or strength to leave. But they underestimated us and told us that we were the ones that needed therapy, not them. “Ok,” we said. “You are right.” We needed therapy to clear the black clouds. We needed the therapy to receive confirmation that we were not crazy. We needed therapy to find the strength to get out. And we did.

We talked about how we see ourselves, not as survivors or victims, but more as sage healers. Healing ourselves by believing what we see and feel to be true. Was it Maturity? Battle scars? Wisdom? Or Resignation? Yes, to all the above.

Until Next Time,

❤️ Olivia